Maybe I was always a girl.

So it’s the middle of the night and I am a little drunk and what shall I say? I might be trans. And I realized that after talking to a person I didn’t expect I’d ever talk to about this topic.

I won’t reveal who it is but they talked to me because they discovered it very recently. That they are in fact trans. (I am writing this in english so I can safely show this website to my relatives btw)

Anyways. Said person showed me websites and perspectives I never thought about. But now that I think about it, I realize that I might actually be trans. Very egg_irl-moment right there, haha.

So, I came to the conslusion, that I did never care about my looks as a boy. In fact, I only feel good when I make my body more girlish. Like growing my hair out like I did for the last 4 years or even shaving my legs.

When I look at myself in girls clothes, there is always this sensation that I look cute. I really love it. It makes me feel more alive and more myself.

Additonally, I like housework. I can only do this in the right mindset but when I am in this mindset, nothing is stopping me from cleaning up, cooking and doing the laundary. I seriously love doing it.

My girlfriend is always very supportive in this regard. She likes my girlish side and supports my urge that I want to be a girl.

As long as I can think, I was always getting along better with girls. I was interested in girls and I liked their hobbies. I even had the haircut of Wickie from “Wickie und die Starken Männer” for most of my school-life because I thought it looked cute (and girlish).

Thinking back, it really embarrassed me very much when our head teacher came in examining the new class and she said “Oh, I didn’t realize we had four girls in this class!” when in fact she was counting me as a girl. It made me happy and embarrassed at the same time.

A very weird feeling that some people I met online can relate to.


I have these periods where I really want to be a girl. It occupies my mind like nothing else. I simply cannot have a day without thinking about how I would look and act as a girl and everything that is related with that. Maybe what I am having right now is one of those phases. But maybe it is me finally stopping this circle of denying that I want to be a girl. The next time my theraphist has time for me, I’ll raise that topic up again. I’ll mention this post and how I got to realize what was wrong with me all the time.


Like seriously. I really enjoy my life more when I am dressed up. Or even when the action that I am doing isn’t related to anythig that reminds me of my gender. Like hanging out with friends I met online in teamspeak and watching anime or playing DnD with them.

The only person that makes me feel that way with my gender in mind is my girlfriend by the way. Because she just accepts me like I am and doesn’t care if I have a penis or what kinda dress I wear.

Being cute

In essence, I want to be cute. I want to act cute, I want to speak cute, I want to play cute, I want to feel cute, I want to wear cute clothing, I want to be cute.

Girls have all that. And much more. They can be girlish, boyish. They can wear anything and everything without looking bad. Girls are just the perfection of cuteness. Everything abot them is cute, if they want to. But they can also be strong and manly if they want to.


So essentially, girls are the perfect being to represent what I want to be. Wait, that’s too complicated. Let’s put it that way: I want to be a girl.

I want to live it, feel it, love it. There is just getting something in that way of being the perfect girl.

I want to have children. Not from the sperm bank, nor by any other way other than how man and woman do that. On top of that, I also want to be a good father for any potential children and be their dad. I almost feel like all of these trans-feelings would vanish when I would live a “normal” life and have a family.

Taking hormone theraphy wouldn’t be an option because I’d potentially loose my ability to produce sperm. Unlike “real” trans people who’d just really fucking want to get rid of their fucking penis, I want to keep mine because I realize that I will never have a working vagina. I also don’t feel the urge to have children in a womb that is inside my body. Not because I don’t wanna have a child in my womb, but because I think this is the job a my future wife, whoever that might be.

All I want is to be cute and act girlish. Look like a girl whenever I can. And be a man whenever I want.

I want to be both at the same time in different situations. Ah yes how is that called again? Genderfluid, yes. Too bad that’s only an Anime genre.

Well, what did I post on twitter recently that could round out this post very well? Yes:

If you watch cute anime girls for long enough, you'll eventually feel the urge to become one.

— Lucy (@luxiterembis) August 19, 2020

… or something like that.

Written by Lucy
Published on Thu, 20 Aug 2020 02:32:39 +0200

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